Today I finally made the decision to sell the house. The material thing will be good to let go of. The past will evaporate in a big way as another family takes over the space we once occupied.
And speaking of space. The last couple of weeks I've moved the computer and tape recorder(s) into the room and the very space Dad occupied at the end. There, I have been listening and digitizing some of the audio recordings he made ranging over nearly 50 years. The most moving were a monologue recounting his layoff in 1970 and another on a weekend encounter group he attended. The most painful was listening to him patronize a woman who was a friend about her racism in 1963. Dad recorded hundreds of hours of monologue. It was amazing how long he could talk without needing anyone to prompt him, critique or question him. He was for most of his adult life a man who pushed himself to question and learn. My respect for him in that regard continues to grow as I hear him on these tapes, so alive and inquisitive..... and judgmental.
These months since my Dad's passing have been extraordinary. I've come to feel stronger and more capable in nearly all affairs. The switch seemed to come almost instantaneously. As I've said before, the most painful aspect is not being able to share it with my parents. They would be so delighted with my journey. What I wouldn't give to say to Dad, "hey, I think I'm going to be an adjunct professor at USC this fall."
He'd say, "tremendous!"
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